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He will come here.....in my shadow again...to remind me of how worthless I am.



I shouldn't have stopped the truck.



The scars are rising to the surface of my skin each night.

He asked for my address....it was totally unexpected and I know that he had it before....



I think I am going to get a Valentine in the mail...from his lawyer.

Just when I feel like all the life is being sucked out of me once again.....along comes this breathe of fresh air intended just for me.



It has been a long week thus far and I am truly tired...Most nights up well past the beauty sleep marker on my timepiece. An attempt to fullfill desire and needs....tostling about for hours reaching for those few blissful seconds and slipping into a slumber....pleasure yes, but empty still....only to wake with desire for more.



I am "caught up" in the past still....struggling to pull away from it's grasp. The dreams are more frequent these days....those of the evil sin and unmotivated death left behind.....they seem to find me at my weekest moments. My flesh is torn from clawing to escape from him. It burns as the soap runs down my legs in the shower. A reminder again that I may not be well.



And then, from nowhere....a few words to inspire and lift me up from the shallow trenches of blood and lust and make me feel something other than emptiness and pain that seem to be all that exists in my life. I continue to hide from it...nobody sees me anymore...I am just another figure in passing by their lives with nothing to offer put death precluded by passion and sexual desire.

As the days pass....I find myself wondering am I unable to love? Have I become too numb to feel anything but insecurity. He took it from me. Stolen without thinking twice or with remorse. How many times? ....I ask myself.



I don't trust the world. I doubted those who cared. I have become this ugly person. I cry when I can't control everything around me. How can I hold anyone responsible for my time if I am not responsible enough to cherish it myself. I don't own anyone....I just wanted to. That is not me....I don't know why I am living like this.



In fact, this isn't living at all. Sinful and hidden...lost but always searching for the right path....living secretly...wanting to share with others, but knowingly resisting the temptation for fear of the unknown consequences that might lie ahead.



My dreams have become darker as the nights pass slowly. The scars are fading on the surface all while growing deaper within. Completeness seems to be too far from my grasp and now I ask myself again, to be redundant.....am I unable to love?

He said he'd call back.....I am tired...I don't think he meant it.



Being alone has become easier. I have come to expect nothing which in turn prevents disappointment.



But, tonight the pillows will be cold against my skin to remind me of how being alone really hurts.

I rarely remember.....but, I shared with one whom I don't know or recall. It seemed so real...and I still had the taste on my lips when I woke.

COMMENTS

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Bard
22:04 Feb 05 2008

This is soulfully sexy. Salty mixed with sweet.

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